By Jamie York
As far back as I can remember, I have always internalized my emotions. As a child, I was called "shy." In the Army, I was called "schizoid." Now, at middle age, I am "depressed."
It always felt safer to keep my feelings to myself rather than express them. After all, boys are not supposed to feel fear, sadness, loneliness, or worry. "You've got to be strong. Don't cry. Don't be a sissy." Boys are taught to focus on status, power and action, not on healthy emotional expression.
At 14 years old, I turned to drugs as way to feel better. I thought that drugs like Marijuana, Dexedrine and LSD helped me relieve the pain I was feeling because, when I was high, I didn't feel anger and humiliation anymore; instead, I felt joy and contentment.
At 20, I started experimenting with intravenous drugs such as Dilaudid, Morphine and Heroin. I thought these drugs were helping me feel better about myself. They took away my pain. I didn't feel so sullen and alone when I was high; I felt joy and contentment. Of course, I didn't realize at the time that I was on a long ride to hell.
For eight or nine years, my usage was infrequent, so I did not become addicted to any one drug. In my late 20s, however, I discovered a steady supply of Dilaudid, a synthetic narcotic resembling Heroin. Depending upon my source, a single pill (4 mg.) would cost between $35 and $50, but $35 was considered the normal market price on the street.
When you are addicted to a drug, the drug controls you. No matter how you try to rationalize it, you are out of control. When withdrawal begins to set in, you begin to feel anxious and the need for the drug overwhelms you. To get the money for a shot, you write bad checks, get cash advances, or steal from those you love. I despise thieves, but I stole to get my drug money. You do whatever it takes. All of my beliefs and values were meaningless when I needed a shot and I rationalized that, somehow, I would pay it all back.
Same thing the next day. And the next and the next and the next....The same thing happens day after day after day and the financial hole gets deeper and deeper. But each day you rationalize that things will be O.K. You write checks at grocery stores and rationalize that you will have the money in your account before they clear. You go from one grocery store to the next. The hole in your arm becomes a metaphor for the financial hole you are in. It couldn't be more than a couple thousand dollars, could it? How about $12,000?
The people around you notice the change. They notice the mood swings, the secretiveness, the weight loss, the grey skin color. So you lie and make excuses. "I'm not on drugs!" Then you leave, withdraw, escape an interrogation. You think you are fooling everyone, but you fool no one. By now you need a pill every three or four hours or your mind gets cloudy; you get anxious and feel a headache coming on; your stomach begins to churn. After a couple of hours your mind is racing and you begin to sweat. You rack your brain for a way to get something into your arm to relieve your misery. After a few more hours you are sweating uncontrollably. You feel nauseated. You begin tearing things apart. "Maybe I dropped a pill on the floor and never found it." But you hadn't. "Maybe I can scrape my spoon with a razor blade." So you try. Nothing.
Soon you are puking, and you will puke for days. Don't bother trying to sleep; your mind is racing and you will not sleep -- probably for a week or more. You want someone to talk with, someone who understands what you are going through, but you do not pick up the phone. You do not want to bother anyone with your misery or admit your shortcomings, so you bear it alone. All because you turned to drugs at 14 as a way to mask your feelings.
My story illustrates how important it is to allow boys to express a complete range of emotions. Women generally retain a normal range of emotions throughout their lives, but men do not. In our present society, males are supposed to be responsible providers and risk-takers. A good hunter cannot show love or compassion for his prey. A good soldier cannot show uncertainty or fear. A good football player cannot feel shame about hitting an opponent and cannot allow an opponent to see that he has been hurt. "Get in there and hit 'em again. Don't be a wimp. Don't be a pussy."
The problems associated with this conditioning vary from individual to individual. Some turn to alcohol and drugs in an attempt to achieve emotional balance. Some get into romantic relationships with women and depend upon their mates for emotional expression. Some men find that shooting pool or playing sports with other men allows them to vent some of their anger and frustration. Still others become isolated, alienated and angry. If men cannot recover some of their normal human emotions, they are likely to become self-destructive or abusive, especially if they have a hard time controlling their impulses.
The emotional suppression of boys begins about the time they enter school. While parents may try to be good role models and set positive examples, the conditioning really begins when boys start bonding with each other. A toddler who is trying to express sadness or loneliness will pout or cry, but an adolescent boy hanging out with his friends will more likely stuff those feelings and will substitute actions such as throwing rocks at cans and bottles. (In more extreme cases, however, the substituted action might be stealing cars, breaking into houses, or even murder.) The boy learns that if he expresses his feelings normally, he might be chastised by his peers. He might be called a "wimp" or a "mama's boy," so he learns to substitute actions for feelings so he will be accepted. If the boy has never learned to control his impulses, this can be a dangerous combination. After the April 20, 1999, shootings at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado, some politicians began saying that restoring prayer in public schools is the answer to school violence, but the past has shown that, in a pleuralistic society, mandaory prayer simply forces one religion on everyone; perhaps a minute of "contemplative thought" might be acceptable, but not mandatory prayer. Parenting classes, however, would be of far greater benefit than prayer. States require training and licensing before driving a motor vehicle, but anyone can have a child. Such classes would help parents nurture and discipline the child and would also teach them what behaviorial signs to look for as the child develops and matures. Parenting classes would help parents learn how to stay involved in their child's life without being too intrusive and to notice what their children are doing in their spare time.
There is little that parents can do to control societal conditioning, but parents and teachers should teach children how to control their impulses. The time-out technique is a good tool to teach self-control to young children. Remove the disruptive child from the situation for a specific period of time and then allow the child to return to the situation with the expectation that he (or she) will act appropriately. When using this technique, it is important to follow through and not give in to the child's rage. Of course, older children and those with more severe self-control problems, such as Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), may require more outrageous, tough-love parental discipline techniques to get the child's attention. These children are often disruptive in classrooms because they are bored and need smaller classes, more challenge, and more individualized teaching methods. Unfortunately, teachers in overcrowded public schools often identify disruptive students as having ADD and the children usually end up on Ritalin, a powerful, mind-altering stimulant now prescribed widely to alter behavior. There is now increasing evidence that the use of this drug in children permanently damages the brain.
A boy who has learned to control his impulses may still suppress his emotions and substitute actions, but he will have a better sense of what is right and wrong. He will have learned that rage and hurting other people are not appropriate actions. Men would be far better adjusted without societal conditioning and without substituting actions for emotions. Until that changes, however, throwing rocks at cans and bottles is really not so bad.
Neither is fishing.